Before Time's Collapse
by Blue Paper Plane
Summary: There are two petals left, and accepting death is undeniably difficult, especially when love is new. Kanda finally has a reason to live, and without her, he's nothing. Can they make the short time worthwhile before it's all over? Kandalee ON HIATUS
1. A Dream

_Before Time's Collapse_

_Blue Paper Plane_

**A/N:**

**Warnings: Kandalee. Zero Yullen or KandaLavi. Zero lime/lemon. An OC who is nothing of a Mary Sue, although I've named her for myself, and a very possibly OOC Kanda. (Hey. Whenever you write any kind of pairing for Kanda, it's bound to seem OOC). Read at your own risk.**

**So, without further ado, my story!**

_Chapter One: A Dream_

"All right, squad members, I have an announcement!" Komui calls excitedly from a raised podium in the great hall, as the members of the Black Order gaze upon him with curiosity.

"Squad members?" someone asks somewhere in the crowd. "We're squad members now? Jesus."

"Che." The sound of my annoyance is a hiss, coming out harsh through my teeth.

Beside me, I feel Lenalee shift uncomfortably.

"We have a new exorcist. Her name is Yang Kyung In from the Asia branch, where she has been training for many years. Please welcome her warmly.

A snow-pale, Korean girl walks up beside Komui. She has glossy, black-brown hair she wears in a ponytail at the nape of her neck. She wears the exorcist uniform with long, black slacks instead of the short skirt Lenalee opts for. Her dark eyes are narrow and calculating.

There is a shuffling in the crowd as people begin to murmur to one another. "Her beauty challenges Lenalee's," someone says.

"No, hers surpasses it," says another, and others nodded in agreement.

How daring they are to speak of such things! Suppressing the urge to whip out Mugen on someone, I glance at Lenalee on my right. She doesn't really seem to mind the statements being made about her attractiveness; she just stares on at Kyung In as if she too is entranced by her loveliness.

Kyung In steps up to the podium. "Good evening. As you already know, my name is Yang Kyung In. I have been training as an exorcist since I was four, when I left my home in Seoul, Korea. So far I have already collected many innocences, and I assure you that I am powerful. Probably more powerful than you. Those who doubt me, you shall regret it. I hope I've made that perfectly clear. On a brighter note, I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you, my comrades. My hope is to be on good terms with everyone. That is all."

Kyung In's lips, like a pale rosebud twist into a smirk. She steps down from the podium and calmly takes a seat nearby.

Komui fixes his glasses nervously, so they stay on the bridge of his nose. "Ahem. You're all dismissed."

The crowd bursts into conversation. I feel Lenalee's gaze land on me, so I turn and say, "What is it?"

"It's just that girl! How rude, calmly threatening people like that! Ugh, I hate her already!" Lenalee explodes, stomping her foot like a child. "I hate her!"

"Calm down, Lenalee. It's not like she's the first to have threatened anyone in a rude manner." My head snaps in Allen's direction. The beansprout is approaching from across the room, grinning victoriously. Like he's won the lottery, just being able to insult me. Stupid beansprout.

"What, Bakanda? It's the truth," Allen says, eyeing the apparently furious expression on my face.

"Say that again, and I'll kill you," I inform him in a low growl.

His eyes widen in mock-horror. Instantly, my hand shoots to Mugen on my belt. But before I can swipe it out and activate it, I hear the rabbit.

"Yuuuuuu-chan! Whasuuuuup?" Lavi butts in, slinging his arm around my shoulders.

"Rabbit," I mutter. Just what I need: two idiots to irritate me out of my mind.

"Sooooo. That Kyung In was pretty cute, wasn't she?" Lavi says.

Lenalee makes some weird choking sound like a dying sparrow, and storms off.

"Lenalee? Hey, Lenalee? Yu-chan, what'd I do?"

"Don't call me that!" I snap, pulling away from him. Lavi pouts, yet at the same time he kind of looks like he wants to cower.

"Hey Yu, I'm your best friend, why are you so mean to me?"

_"WHAT DID I JUST SAY, YOU WORTHLESS RABBIT? DON'T CALL ME THAT, EVER!"_

"Sorry, Kanda," Lavi says timidly. I swear, I never thought I'd see the day.

Grudgingly, I draw my fingers away from Mugen, and simply walk away. I head off to my room on the next floor.

Halfway through the hall, I sense footsteps approaching, coming closer. Freezing in my tracks, I whirl around with Mugen already unsheathed and activated.

"Relax. It's me," Kyung In says, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. She's leaning on the wall, her tilted eyes scanning me as if for some kind answer.

If I was someone else, I might've twitched, and said something. But being who I am, I don't so much as move.

"You don't talk much, do you, Kanda?" she states, coming closer. I note the elegant strides her long legs take. How full of herself, she is.

"Funny. Any other would have asked how I knew his name. You're special, strong, different. You wear an apathetic façade every day, but underneath you're brooding, afraid to lose what little you have."

I don't even blink. She presses herself against my chest seductively; I pull away in a blunt response.

"Strong, handsome, emotionless, cunning. You're like me, a little. But you have apparent weakness, that's what is unappealing. And you have obvious feelings for that Chinese girl," Kyung In says.

"Lenalee? Don't be ridiculous," I scoff. The very idea!

Something flickers in the girl's eyes. "Really? But don't you want me?" she asks, her face a mask of hurt innocence. It's a lie, I know that.

There is no blush rising in my face, no embarrassment, nothing. My stony expression stays in tact.

Surely, Kyung In must be frustrated by now. However, she does not show it. Her lips curl into another cruel smirk, and she pulls me into an embrace. I almost pull away immediately, but she whispers in my ear. "Help me, Kanda. Help me take over the order, and end this war the right way. I'll defeat the Earl, I will bring balance, and I shall be God."

Clenching my fists, I stand my ground clearly. "No."

"Ah, so I see." She pauses, and removes her arms from around my neck. I scowl and turn toward my chamber door on the left.

"You would have been an extremely valuable comrade to me. But that's how it is. That's okay. I know your weakness now, and you'll regret underestimating me, Kanda Yu."

"I'll report you," I say. I mean it.

Kyung In chuckles softly, and I slam the door behind me.

Alone in my room, I collapse onto the floor. My head is spinning, and my vision is fuzzy. I get up and stagger to the bed. Just a short rest would be nice, just a short rest . . .

Slowly, my eyelids droop and I welcome in slumber like an old friend.

()()()

_**Reaching out, I stare into nothingness. Pitch, all around me.**_

_**The darkness brightens to a shade of navy, and far away is the lotus in the hourglass. My lotus in full bloom.**_

_**Horrified, I watch as it begins to lose its petals, slowly but surely. Rising to my feet, I begin to run toward, but the petals fall faster and faster.**_

_**Too late. I arrive as the last petal loosens and falls to the bottom of the hourglass.**_

I wake up gasping for air.

Quickly, reality snaps into perspective. I rip off the sheets of my bed and furiously wipe the sweat on my brow.

Just another nightmare. You're fine. The lotus is fine.

Swiping at my eyes, I glance over at the hourglass by my bedside. I blink. No, that can't be right. My vision is still blurred, and my mind still hazy. I blink and stare again.

Two left, with a heavy pile of fresh petals lying on the hourglass floor.

I blink and stare at the lotus.

I clench my teeth and my fists.

I feel my face contract in anguish, and bitter rage.

Dying. There are many times I've thought about dying in my life. Being what I am, an exorcist, has always meant death. I am a fighter, I do not fear death.

Death. The absence of life. Not being able to eat Jeryy's soba, not being able to kill akuma.

Not being able to deny my friends of the smile they so desperately wanted to see on my face, and feel appreciated.

Not being able to see the end of this war.

Not being able to be there for Lenalee when she needs a shoulder to cry on.

And sitting there like that, I come to a terrifying realization.

_I really do fear death._

"Kanda!" Ironically, it's Lenalee's voice calling.

I don't answer. Lenalee pushes the door open and looks at me kneeling on the floor.

"Kanda, what's wrong?" she cries.

I don't answer. She doesn't wait for one. Lenalee crouches down next to me. "Y- y- you look so stricken, I've never seen you like that—"

Then she sees the lotus, and her lovely amethyst eyes widen. "It's that thing, isn't it? Kanda, tell me, what happens when the last petal falls from that flower?"

My voice comes out half-choked, which surprises even me. "I'm going to die," I admit.

A thousand emotions play across her face. Pain and sorrow overcome her small form, and she clamps hand over her mouth. A silent scream.

Lenalee's heart is in her eyes. Coldly, I avert my eyes and say, "if you're going to look like that, I can't see you. Leave me alone.

Just when I think her expression can't be any more painful, she does worse. The tears welled in her eyes trail down her cheeks, and she's crying. "I want to stay with you! Please, let me stay with you, please!"

"Leave me alone!" I shout, rage creeping into my voice. "Leave me alone, Lenalee! Get out of here!"

"No, no, no, I don't want to go, please let me stay, I- I-" Then she's rambling on incoherently, sobbing and sobbing and I don't want to see her do that.

Subconsciously, I take a new approach. "Please Lenalee, don't cry. I don't want you to do that, ever."

Her tears cease, and she stares up at me with a pale, tearstained face. She's shivering so much.

"Kanda, you were just _nice_ to me. You said 'please'."

Then she smiles.

Struggling to process what she said to me, I just stare at her for a moment.

The heat rises to my face as I scowl and look away again. "Che."

"And you're blushing, too? Who are you, and what did you do with Kanda?"

"Whatever," I huff, heading for the door. "I want to eat Jeryy's soba for dinner."

Out of the corner of my eye, Lenalee's smile fades. "Kanda . . . I'm so sorry." Her voice breaks on her words.

"There's nothing we can do about it now. What's done is done," I say.

"Don't die," she whispers, and she weeps for me again. How pitiful it looks; it's cutting me like a jagged knife. I hate it when she looks that way; I hate it with a passion.

No. Scratch that. I don't feel passionate about anything, even if the emotion is contempt.

But Lenalee looks so fragile, crying like that. It sends a deep pang in my chest, and if I'd been anyone but who I am, for one solitary moment, I sort of want to cry with her.

So I step forward, and stroke her hair.

It's soft as a filly's, like a silken dark curtain. The length skims her shoulders and frames her face flatteringly.

"Lenalee, I promise to you not to die without a fight. I will protect your happiness."

Before I receive an answer, I pull her in close. And I kiss her.

Truth be told, I've never been kissed before. Not on the lips anyway. My lips cling firmly to hers, hungering and thirsting for more of her. This— it is fascinating, magical, haunting, and when we finally break apart, dazed, I know I'll always remember this very moment exactly the way it is.

Lenalee stares at me, dumbfounded. "You _kissed_ me."

It sinks in. _I _kissed her. Not Allen. Not Lavi. _Me._

Me, I'm detached. I've always been indifferent about everything. I'm not supposed to love anyone, I'm not supposed to kiss anyone.

"Just forget this ever happened," I tell her in a low voice.

"Kanda..."

"Forget it!" I draw my hand from her hair, and leave her alone in the room. I don't look back.

()()()

It's been two weeks, the longest Lenalee and I have ever spent without exchanging as much as a word to each other.

She wants to talk it out, she wants to let go. But she can't just forget, and I can't look her in the eyes. If I do, I'll—

I can never do that, as long as I live. Anything to keep me from feeling, showing true pain. Even if this hurts more, it won't show. I can wallow in silence. For me, it's easy to push someone away.

It's impossible to hold her close, then unwillingly leave her and cause her more pain.

I can't do that to Lenalee. I can't.

On Thursday at lunch, Lavi comes over to my table and sits next to me. "Eating alone? Soba again, I see."

I ignore him.

"We haven't gone on any missions to fight akuma in a while. Have we, Yu?"

I jab at a few cold soba noodles with my chopsticks.

"You know, the Finders are really pissed at you right now, 'cause you won't let them have this table, and there's nowhere else for them to sit..."

"Does it look like I care?" I snarl.

Lavi laughs. "Yu-chan."

I turn my attention back to my soba.

Carefully, Lavi's lone, peridot eye observes me, searching like the bookman he is. "You're not yourself."

"Che, what do you mean by that, baka usagi?"

"Normally you would've threatened to strangle me for calling you _Yu-chan_." He is dead serious. "And why haven't you looked at Lenalee all week? You're not fighting, are you?"

I don't answer.

Sighing, Lavi thrusts his hands casually behind his head and says, "Ah, well. I supposed you'll have your arguments every once and a while, just like any married couple would."

Lavi always knows exactly how to provoke me to my boiling point.

"That's it, Lavi. Leave me alone," I spat.

"I knew it. You love Lenalee don't you?" Lavi says softly. There's a sudden change in his attitude, and he looks dejected. This time, he isn't jesting or playing around, he's serious.

"If you were just friends, you would gave had Mugen at my throat right now."

_Idiot. He's right._

"Idiot," I say, "You're cray. Now leave me alone."

But he sees through my protests. "You're the stupid one," Lavi snarls, and gets up from the table. This is the solemn side of him I never ever see.

Suddenly, I feel kind of guilty. But I don't let it show.

_I won't let it show._

"Well, what are you waiting for? Leave!" I snap.

_I kind of don't want him to go._

Lavi glowers, tight-lipped, and the emotion clouding his face is completely absent. No normal goofy grin. His face is empty.

Is this how my face always looks? Unreadable? Indifferent? Empty?

_Yes, I know it always looks like that._

And that's the way I want it to be… right?

Lavi's poker face is harder to read than mine at this moment. Pale green eye clouded over with carelessness, he leaves.

I decide to forget him.

Several minutes later, I finish my soba and head up to my room. There, I look into the mirror as I take down my hair and pull it into another ponytail.

I glance over to the hourglass. Still two petals. Nothing more, nothing less.

Lenalee's the only one who knows about my upcoming death besides Komui. He told me to be careful, and didn't send me on any more missions. I think he knows I'll die soon, so he wants me to die doing what I know best- training, eating soba, and living at the Order.

It's a horrible lifestyle. I'll die forgotten, having lived for almost nothing.

But I don't know what else to do. So I try to move on and accept death, the way I've always known I have to do. I live life. My life is meaningless.

Meaningless. I'm meaningless. I'm too angry about that fact to cry over my inevitable death. Not that I would cry over anything, ever, obviously.

I'll never accept my death. So, when I look into the mirror, I smile.

I haven't smiled in what feels like decades. Perhaps that's why it feels so liberating somehow.

I laugh to myself. I feel even freer, for I haven't done that in years. The sensation of laughing makes my chest surge, and despite myself, I feel like I can cheat anything. Nature, gravity, God. Maybe even death.

_You're upset._

I'm not upset. I'm Kanda, I don't get upset.

_You're going to cry._

What the hell? I'm _Kanda_. I certainly don't cry, never have, never will. Not for a lost battle, or a fallen friend, or being plain sick of life. Never.

That's what I swear to myself, what I tell myself continuously. I don't get upset, and crying is unarguably out of the question.

Simply because I'm Kanda. Nonchalant Kanda Yu.

Well, screw "Kanda". I can't be "Kanda" anymore. I know I can never be the same when I'm so close to death I can almost taste it.

I look at the lotus, and can't laugh or speak. I look at the lotus, and can't feel joy or love. I look at the goddamn lotus and can't feel any of that crap. No, there's something I want to do when I look at those last petals clinging onto the lotus. I want to scream, how can this be happening? And I want to... I want to...

Slowly, unwillingly, the image of Lenalee's face engulfs my mind. Refusing to let it in, I restrain it. Yet it perseveres.

Something's in my eye, fuzzing up my vision. I raise my hand to rub it away, for I fear for what it truly is. What if it's not just dirt, what if it's…

… _tears?_

_No._ I utterly refuse to weep, like a piteous child. Tears are for the weak, the hopeless, the useless. A distant memory I recall includes a tall man. _Crying won't do a thing,_ he tells me. _You are a man, Yu. A man never cries._

I don't remember who the man was, or what he looked like. But I never cried again after that.

Crying. It's never really occurred to me to cry when life gets bad. It doesn't do anything for you. I haven't cried since I was a young child, and I've forgotten even the sensation of it.

But I'm dying, dying, _dying._

I've been dying before. How could I forget those bittersweet memories I'd shared with Alma? I never wanted to experience that pain— both physical and internal, ever again. In fact, now I realize, I didn't want to experience emotions.

Shuddering, I stand alone in the dark room. Not knowing what to do, or think, or feel.

In despair, I realize why I don't want to leave the world so much.

_It's all because of you, Lenalee._

I bolt out the door to find her.

_You're the one who's preventing me from going willingly._

**A/N: No, I didn't **_**exactly **_**make Kanda cry. Yes, there are lots of mistakes in this since I have no editors. Now stop bugging me for horridly OOC charcters. =P If you have a question/concern/advice, please leave it in a review. **


	2. Love and Death

**A/N: Hey, everyone! First of all, I want to thank Soulless Ghosty for being my first reviewer, kim-onka for the helpful advice and ****suigetsu-is-da-bomb.**** Second, I don't own -man! I always forget disclaimers, always...**

Chapter Two: Love and Death

A fierce rush of air roars its presence in my ears as I gingerly step outside. It is nighttime. In the darkened sky, the stars dare to shine with a quiet luminescence, exposing themselves from an opaque veil. Upon the path, I fight the pressing wind and wrap my cloak tighter around myself. Then I see her ahead, peering from behind her.

Lenalee is barefoot, wearing nothing but a thin nightshift. Her hair is loose, grown longer now, and it's like a raven's wing. It unfurls with the harshness of the wind, rippling out like a silk curtain full of air. As usual, her fragile, thin form is pale and tiny in comparison to the entire round of scenery— the looming, towering trees, the plump silver moon, the abysal dome of the sky, and the spray of countless stars blazing within it.

_Why is she out in the middle of the night like this?_ I wonder.

"Lenalee!" I call, the wind biting at my face and entering my mouth, to my discomfort. Either she fails to hear me, or she chooses not to, for she doesn't acknowledge my presence in any way at all.

"Lenalee!" No reply.

Sighing, I walk up to her and put a hand on one of her smooth, ice-cold shoulders. "Lenalee? You'll catch your death for God's sake. Come inside."

She doesn't respond. This time I take a more forceful approach. I take her by the shoulders and turn her physically to face me.

"Lenalee!" I shout over the loud rush of wind. "Lenalee, answer, for God's sake!"

Her eyes are like a fresh, uncut amethyst, just unearthed from the dirt ground. Eyes that are emotionless, jagged, and almost glazed over. Deeply, I stare into them.

"What are you doing, Kanda?" I somehow hear her murmur.

"Nothing," I say, removing my hands from her shoulders. My eyes are scanning over her wide face and soft rosebud lips. She's really beautiful. I can't hold it in.

Then I snap out of it, scowling. "Che. Get yourself inside. You won't be any use to the Order if you catch a cold," I say.

She looks at me with wide, sad eyes. Gritting my teeth, I turn my face away from hers.

"I know what you're thinking. It's what everyone asks me. Why am I so cruel? Why don't I care? Oh, I know it. I know it well. Everyone just hates me. Well, that's a crapshoot. Why should I care in the least? I don't give a damn about them, nor do they. This is the way I am, this is me. I'm Kanda Yu, the exorcist who has nothing to live for but himself! So, accept who I am!"

I break off from my screaming, feeling like a crazed animal. Lenalee bites her lip, seemingly more quietly disappointed than frightened.

I almost want to apologize, but I can't do that with the way my personality's been slipping lately. So I step back, keeping the scowl plastered on my face.

"Why did you come out here, Kanda?" she asks.

"It's plain stupid to come out here at night, in this kind of weather. We have a war to fight," I say coldly.

"Kanda, don't you dare call me stupid. I'm smarter than you," she challenges.

"What are you, a queen or something?" I growl. "Say that again, and I'll run you through with Mugen!"

There are tears in her eyes as she slams her fist down on my chest. "Shoot, Kanda!" she cries. "Why can't you ever submit to what you feel? If you did that, if you told me the God-forsaken truth once in a while, maybe you'd be happy! You'd die, _die_ without—"

"Well, that's who I am, Lenalee Lee. I'm Kanda," I sneer. "And I'm happy with who I am. I'll die living like this, because I like it! I don't need you, or anyone else to go around telling me who I should be!"

"No, Kanda, this is not who you are! I want you to show me you, Kanda. The real you. But even I am locked away from the core of your heart. Locked away, shut away. I thought you might accept me that day, when you kissed me. But I suppose I was wrong!" Lenalee shouts.

"I don't care about anyone," I claim.

"I thought you did. I guess I was wrong, however," she spat.

"Fine by me. Now get out of my sight," I say evenly.

"Happy to oblige." Adamantly, she brushes tears from her face and begins to walk away.

Reluctantly, I do nothing as she goes. And then...

"Wait." The word slips out before I can prevent it.

Pausing in her tracks, Lenalee asks, "What?"

Nothing, I almost say. But I can't say that, it would sound ridiculous. _Wait! What? Nothing._

At that moment, I recall my reasoning for running after Lenalee in the first place. My reason for searching for her throughout the Order, and even coming the beansprout for help before approaching her here. Lenalee is the drive of my will to live, she is everything. Hadn't I realized that only an hour ago? How could I forget it so easily?

But... when I look at Lenalee, I don't see the end of my life crashing down at me. I see... Lenalee. My friend, the one whose always looked out for me. I feel below her. She doesn't deserve me.

Should I tell her how I feel? The question swirls in my mind painfully.

_No, I can't._

"Kanda, what is it?" Lenalee says with halfhearted irritation.

"This is cruel. I'm going to die," I murmur. "I'm going to die, aren't I? That's sick. Isn't it?"

"The lotus in the hourglass," she whispers. "How could I forget? Oh, I could never forget, Kanda, that's why. Before that time, I think you need to..." she trails off, seeming to contemplate how to say what she wants to say next.

"Lenalee."

She looks up at me, dismay crossing her fine features. "What?"

_We shouldn't be together. The truth is, I don't have much time left, and to start something with you would be unfair. But I have to get this off my chest._

"Lenalee," I begin, "when I kissed you, it wasn't some random freak thing. I realized that you are my... drive. And... _damn it._ What I'm trying to say is that I think that this feeling is... is..."

I can't say it. I can't say it. But she seems to understand just what I'm saying. She's always been like that.

Doubt creeps into my mind, but my voice reflects nothing of what I'm feeling. "You probably... love someone else. That's just fine, Lenalee. That's just fine."

_Don't love me. Hate me, even. At least I know I won't be hurting you so much when I leave._

But then Lenalee says, "I love you, too."

This hits me from the inside out. "Lenalee," I say in surprise.

"I love you, too," she repeats, moving in closer. Then she stands on the tips of her toes to reach my lips and carefully brings them to hers.

()()()

No wind comes with the morning birds, but a light rain does.

The dreary weather doesn't appeal to Allen, but I don't care. I skip breakfast, grab Mugen, and head out the door.

The sky is pale, almost colorless. I walk steady, letting the rain soak my clothes and hair. Though it is slightly annoying when it starts to drip into my eyes.

Why did I ever grow it this long in the first place? I wonder irritatedly. I should just cut it all off.

Then I halt, once again seeing Lenalee standing alone in the distance. A memory flits through my mind.

_I am twelve years old. She is ten. Her hair is shorter than mine, in two hastily-done pigtails at the nape of her neck. Mine reaches slightly past my collarbone now. I often wear it in the usual way, tied with string. I hate the term ponytail. It just doesn't apply to me._

_"Yu! What're ya doin?" Lenalee asks with a smile one day when she comes to one of the training floors and spots me._

_"I'm training, obviously. What else would I be doing on the training floor?" I grunt, sweat streaming down my face._

_"You're hard at work, I see," she continues._

_She's a big dummy and a pest. I ignore her._

_"Aren't you getting tired?"_

_I do squats._

_"When do you think you'll get tired?"_

_I do push-ups._

_"Do you ever get tired, Yu?" she asks._

_I quit doing sit-ups. "Shut UP!"_

_Lenalee giggles, and says, "silly Yu."_

_She shouldn't be laughing, or smiling. If I'd said that to another girl they'd be crying._

_Lenalee never tires of me, to my dismay. She follows me around all day._

_"Your hair is pretty," she says, reaching out to touch it at dinner one day._

_"Get away from me."_

_"It's soo pretty."_

_"It needs to be cut," is all I tell her._

_"No! Don't, Yu! Keep it growing!" Lenalee grabs my hair and nuzzles it._

_I roll my eyes and return to my soba. I simply don't feel like pushing her away._

_Later that month, Lenalee disappears. I ask around where she is. People don't tell me._

_When I'm asked if I want a haircut, I refuse._

_She returns a few months later, paler and thinner and almost lifeless._

_"I didn't cut my hair," I tell her. "And now it's more annoying than ever."_

_She just nods slightly, trying to smile._

_And soon, she's gone again. I swear I hear her screaming in my sleep, and I can't help but remember..._

Hmm. I guess that's how my hair grew this long. For Lenalee.

"Lenalee!" I call.

She turns, her whole face brightening when she sees me. "Kanda!"

I stare at her as she runs toward me. Her dark hair is glossed wet with rain, framing her ivory face flatteringly. A natural blush stains her lips and cheeks, as striking as blood splattered upon pure white snow.

"Hi, Kanda!" she says with a smile. My hands ache to hold her face between them. Wait, why am I restraining? This is what Lenalee wants, right? Affection?

It's hard to change old habits. Slowly, my hands rise and I stroke her cheek. Her skin is soft to touch.

Lenalee blushes at this. We pull away and stand together in the silence.

"Let's do something," she says.

I scoff. "Like what? There's nothing to do here."

"Kanda..." she warns.

"Oh. Sorry. You don't like me acting like that, do you?" _But it's what I'm used to._

"Not exactly. I mean, I know what you really feel," she points to my chest, "in here. But to other people, words can hurt. They don't know the _real_ you."

"I don't care what others think."

"Well, fine then. We'll forget about it for now," she gives in, sighing. "How about going out on the town for a day?"

_Are you kidding?_ I almost ask, but then I see the way she's beaming with happiness at her idea.

"Fine," I manage grudgingly.

"Yes!" she cries, throwing her arms around me delightedly. I feel myself stiffen at her touch, but she doesn't seem to care.

"Mm-kay, then. I'll meet you here at eleven-thirty. Don't be late!" she exclaims.

Swiftly, Lenalee takes off like a sparrow darting across the land. I watch her until she pulls open the door and goes inside.

I stand staring at the door for a while, not really sure of what I'm waiting for.

()()()

When I at last follow Lenalee inside, Reever approaches me. As usual, he's carrying a tall stack of papers and a pen sits behind his ear.

"Supervisor wants to see you in his office," he tells me. He doesn't wait for me to respond because he knows I won't.

I go to Komui's office and knock on the door. "What do _you_ want?" I demand.

Behind the closed door, I hear Komui shifting and walking up to undo a lock.

When we're situated, him sitting at his desk and me standing on a floor carpeted with papers, I repeat myself. "What do you want?"

"Your lotus," he mutters gravelly. "It's wilting. You have two petals left."

"What's it to you? There's nothing we can do about it, is there?"

"Kanda, we can't afford to lose another exorcist," he says plainly. "That flower did not shed all those petals at once by coincidence. Something _caused_ it to destruct."

Feigning disinterest, I glance impatiently to the side. But who am I fooling, really? This is a matter of life-or-death for me. Can Komui, the idiot he is, see through me?

"I believe that the Noah have brought about your upcoming death, Kanda," Komui says.

I feel my fists clench at my sides, and suddenly the air around me seems cold.

"Clearly it's revenge for killing Skin Bolic. I believe that the Earl has hired a skilled assassin to do away with you. Tell me, have you had physical contact with anyone recently?"

The new exorcist's face flashes through my mind. Her arms draped around my neck, her cruel smirk. "Kyung In," I snarl.

"That's what I suspected. We already have her in custody."

So she poisoned me that night. That's why she was all over me. Why hadn't I sensed some kind of poison? How had she done it?

Komui's face contracts in anguish, and his fist slams down onto his desk. "I'm sorry, Kanda... this is all my fault. She was unpleasant, yet she was a skilled innocence accommodator and Leverrier insisted we work with her. I'm sorry." He hangs his head in shame.

I guess I should be flattered that he's showing this much emotion due to my coming death. Of course I don't show that.

"Forget it. There's nothing we can do," I say impassively. "I'll take my leave now."

_Nothing we can do..._ the words echo throughout my mind.

I slam the door on the way out, in a useless way of trying to drown out my thoughts.

Then there's Lavi, standing right outside the door, his green eye wide with shock.

Reticently, I begin to make my way past him and I don't give him a second glance. Lavi, however, has other ideas.

"K- Kanda...? You're _dying_?" he stutters. "S- since _when_?"

"She'll be yours when I'm gone," I say callously. "Happy now, Lavi?"

His knuckles are white, but his eye narrows and his stiffened jaw loosens.

"I'll report to Bookman. How are you... dying?" he asks, trying to sound unmoved.

"Poisoned," I say curtly.

Jaw tightening again, he turns away. But as soon as he does that, he whirls around again.

"You know what? You're a sick, antisocial idiot who just sickens me to the very core. You're rotten, unpleasant, and arrogant. What is the matter with you?"

A bit shocked by his infuriated reaction, I snap out of a slight daze. "I've heard worse. Is that the best you can do?"

"Oh don't even start that. You know darn well you want to threaten and kill me right now like the inhuman, immoral bastard you are."

"Let me tell you, Lavi, I don't give a damn about what you think of me," I growl. "So do me a favor and leave me alone."

"Stupid. Shouldn't you be figuring out a way to keep from dying? For you, I'll give up on her. For you, because you both need each other. But if you're just going to give up, screw it all. I won't stand here and watch you hurt her without a fight."

I'm shocked all over again. "Don't you know I'm trying, Lavi? I'm trying to stay. But there's not much I can do. If Komui's already given up on me, it's done."

"Damn you, Kanda! Aren't you the one who always tells us that it's pathetic to give up without a fight?" Lavi yells. "You're a lousy hypocrite for saying that!"

"Well, then maybe you can suggest a way for me to fight this!" I retort, exasperated. "But I'm telling you, this death is absolutely inevitable!"

"Whatever," he hisses.

Beside me is a hard iron wall. Frustration sends my balled fist smashing into it repeatedly.

"Yu, cut it out."

I don't quit. My knuckles are bleeding and sore, but I couldn't care less. Frankly, I cannot even feel them throbbing.

"Quit it, Kanda!" Still, I pay him no mind. He has to pull me away from the wall, and I collapse to my knees, staring intently at my fist.

"_Injuring yourself will lead to nothing-_ that's what you say to Allen when he uselessly punches the wall. Sheesh, Kanda, will _I _have to start playing your role from now on?"

Crimson blood trickles down my right hand; in between my fingers and toward my wrist and forearm. I watch with perplexing fascination, in a daze.

"Listen to me!" Lavi orders.

"I have to get to Lenalee... in an hour. I have to get ready," I say.

Lavi stares at me. "That can wait."

_No, it can't._ I push my way past him, and he doesn't object.

"I never wanted to see you like this," he mutters dejectedly.

I keep walking. The blood still traces down my fingers and plummets quickly, like rain, to the ground below.

**A/N: So, what did you think? Please, especially if you favorite/story alert, I'd very much appreciate a short review to tell me what you thought, whether the opinion is good or bad.**

**For the most part, I think Kanda is in character, more so in this chapter than the previous. Feel free to let me know if you dissagree, however. I also would like to apologize for any errors within the story. Anyway, please continue to read the story. I hope you are enjoying it.**


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